Wednesday, July 12, 2006

my intention is to get this out

my intention here is to get this stuff out
to give me a chance to grieve
but... I am not sure if it is what I need to do
I think I need to go to a bar and get drunk with some friends
they can get embarressed when I cry violently in public

at work I have cried too many times
as much as I try to avoid it
I can not control it

there was a moment where I was climbing under someone's desk
a work related task
my task in this situation was to fasten their computer to the desk with a combination lock and cable that is made for this task
I presented the situation by telling the user that I needed to put his computer on a leash
he laughed and said notto worry as he liked leashes
as I edged my way on my back head first like a mechanic getting under a car
the tears started
the tears were contained to last as long as the process
crawled out from under the desk composed

once out from under the desk I said my small talk goodbyes
with a glance at the laptop on the desktop I saw a lone photo of a yellow lab
immediately I thought of my dog from childhood, charlie
charlie was a yellow lab
was able to escape without bawling
I had already bawled uncontrolably with some other co-working friends
trying to avoid it

the next day
today I am running about the office doing my thing
across the office this same leash liking guy gives me a basic "what's up?"
rather than nodding and giving the requisite, "nothing." I answer, "I will tell ya later"
it was not that I was actually going to tell him later
it was just something I said

then later that day this guy was out getting a cigarette
he gets out for a lot of cigarettes
if I smoked I would go out for lots of cigarettes too.... luckily I do not smoke
rather than the nod and short yet sincere hello exchange I stop and I go ahead with what I had not realized was the answer to the morning's "what's up?"

it was a good feeling to share the experience without crying
it was a first
I had come close
but this time I did it
there may have been sad eyes
maybe a well of tears
but pretty well contained

it was a nice exchange
even if we do not know each other well
it was a good connection
the dog owner kinship

even if we are not friends... not even work place friends.... we are still members of the same tribe
it is important that we all take care of our own
he helped by saying some nice words

although his reference to liking leashes had nothing to do with dogs


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