still too emotional

I have been grazing the surface
avoiding the emotion

the realities of my loss are painful
too painful to talk about
I can talk about my uncontrolable crying
but
I do not want to write the tings that will make me cry
not ready to drift into those directions intentionally
the crying waves in so muarnech unintentionally
that I do not need to steer my heart that way

today I went to the movies
saw Cars with Dean
wanted Dean and Grant to go....
but Grant is only a little over two and would not have the attention for the feature film
during the film I got emotional and tried to ride the wave
learned that it is just as difficult to make myself cry as it is to stop myself from crying
there is no forcing these emotions in either direction

the emotions are strong
this will certainly be a tough weekend
a one week anniversary of Roscoe's death
a week before the decline
as the hours pass this weekend I will not be able to reflect back on where Roscoe was in his failing health at that moment the week prior

brutus is going through some stuff